Becoming a more elevated version of myself, is scary for many reasons. Holding on to physical things feels so very good, and it helps me remember life.
I can be very forgetful, and that has been worrying me on a subconscious level all my life. I imagine being 90 years old, looking back at life and seeing nothing but a void. I am scared I won't remember how I lived my life, and how I spent my days. I believe this is what drove me towards documenting my life
I lost my Grandfather to cancer a few weeks ago, and I remember feeling as though no time had passed the past 15 years since I saw my Grandmother lying in her hospital bed, as lifeless as he was. I recognised all the emotions and I literally remembered it like it was yesterday. Time felt relative -- almost as though life the past decade was a piece of paper someone crunched together into something unlinear and chaotic. I had lived for so long and done so many wonderful things, but the reality of life crunched it all together.
At one point I started to remember big and smaller events in life. I remembered how life changing it had been to truly fall in love, and I remembered becoming a big sister. I remember the places I had lived and the journies I had made both literally and mentally. All this because I had been collecting and documenting. I had been capturing my time, and I could look back as much as I felt like.
So I guess I'm very scared of letting this type of life go. I'm scared in general. Little by little, though, I am letting myself trancend into a bigger and higher conciouns. I am living more and more in the now, and I am accepting that now is enough. I hope and believe that then will be enough in 60 years.
photo is linked